nodoctors.com kevekev.com no politics no religion tour summer 07 |
Pt. 1 - Tehran, Iran I'll say it again: it's nice to be back in stable Iran. Low crime, clean metro, dark lustful eyes everywhere. The fashion crackdown which made such huge news in the West (the "one article on Iranian society" quota filled for 2007, I guess) wound down before I got here. It was overblown in the first place, more of a show, though some of the women here are taking more precautions than last summer. Still, the allure of couture abounds - I saw a new Benetton shop yesterday in north Tehran. In Iran, people know how to pronounce "Iran." That's one thing they'll always have over Americans. Caught the death anniversary of Ayatollah Khomeini down at his shrine on Monday; it's like a Woodstock where everyone is fully clothed and crying a lot. I think Dennis Hopper still would have enjoyed himself. The erstwhile expat line here is that everyone who shows up at this annual event (at least 250,000+) gets a free ride and free food, thus people show up who don't "believe." I say "so what?" I went to Oktoberfest in Lincoln Square in Chicago and paid. What many Iranian liberals don't like to understand is that some section of Iran, numbering in the millions, is very religious, and they also understand that their ticket, meager as it is, lies with the government. Those who wish for a return to a monarchy should be careful who they call irrational, is all I'm saying. Did you know that Iran has allowed more refugees within its borders than any other country in the world, and has done so since the late 1980s? I did. Yet the US calls the movement of 70,000 Afghans back into Afghanistan an attempt to "destabilize the country." Last time I checked the US let in somewhere between 60 and 70 Iraqis into their borders in 2006, and told the rest "T.S." On the other hand, there's some serious brinkmanship going on here which is bad for anyone at all interested in rapprochement. But as I told a concerned citizen today, it's primary season in the US. That means lot of hot talk, no rocky the boat. Last word for now - a nota bene for international travelers: Passport holders, there are two kinds of stool softeners, one with laxative, one without. I think you know what's best. posted by kevekev.com Pt. 2 - Tehran, Iran
First, let me make a correction: Iran no longer has the most refugees within its borders, as it did after the first Gulf War. It is third in the world. Obviously their moral fiber is slipping. Second, my presumptive gastrointestinal mastery was pure hubris. A few days later I got a mild case of food poisoning with symptoms including pale face, ring tone, and lip grip. I was the Oedipus of cuisine for a while there. The gods have humbled me once again. I am still debating whether to continue drinking tap water. Last time I was here I went bottled all the way, but I have been assured that the Awb-e shirin (sweet water) from the tap is the mother of all waters. Frankly, it tastes much better. And I do not blame my bowelry woes on it - I was drinking it from the beginning. Iran has begun to raise the price of gasoline. It went from a subsidized price of 80 toman a liter (about 40c/gallon) to 100 toman (oh, say, 42c/gallon). There is now a limit or ration of gas for everyone each month, with an accompanying smart card to be read at the gas station and deduct accordingly. According to liberal types, this is not enough to make a dent in gasoline consumption, and thus driving, in Iran. But, you may say, Iran makes shitbunches of oil, why not subsidize it? Well, it doesn't make all the gasoline. A significant portion of Iran's oil revenues thus travel outside the country to import (about half) of its refined gasoline. Either it should build new refineries or reduce its consumption of gas. With a high estimate of 1000 new cars appearing in Tehran's streets each day, and a low estimate of ZERO cars becoming defunct (its so cheap you lose money by NOT driving), some type of change is needed. But, I am not - an neither should you be - against subsidies as a tool for public planning. They are great. And when power/gas is a main element of consumption by the poor, it should be subsidized for their benefit. On the other hand, driving like Mad Max is not the best goal for public policy. Iran's public transportation is good (better than Baltimore (high standards! -ed.)), but could get much better. I would be in favor of removing subsidies for gasoline only if it could be proven that one could get around as easily via public transportation. In many cases in Iran, this is not the case. And it's a credit to Iran that, unlike many Latin American countries who removed these types of subsidies under pressure from international financial bodies, Iran never got the neoliberal memo. It's pure statism here, baby.
posted by kevekev.com Pt. 3 - Tehran, Iran My body's sense memory is definitely short-term only. You know the solar sneeze, right? I get those occasionally, where for some reason you just sneeze when the sun's bearing down on you. But I forgot about the solar shit. When you step outside in 100 degree weather from a cooler 80 degree room, your stomach starts to play Merzbowel. God that's a bad joke. I could have gone with Fushitusha as well, for those keeping score.
That picture is of a traditional restaurant's amazing house band and their fabulous Cansafis-esque singer. Unfortunately pictures were not allowed so this is the best you get. There is a technique known colloquially (i.e. by me) as "cha-cha" where, after a good solid building of rocking the v-chords, the singer breaks the notes with his throat as he's running up and down some scale. Hard to explain, the closest I can get is Demetrios Stratos from Area. He did it occasionally.
posted by kevekev.com Pt. 4 - Tehran, Iran I was taking my afternoon nap today, staring at the ceiling, when a small earthquake hit. The ceiling sort of twisted before my eyes. It felt more like a wave going through me than the Star Trek 'shake the camera' effect. Powerful mojo. Then I heard screams and people running outside the apartment building. But women here scream a lot so it wasn't that big a deal. Are you supposed to run outside? (only if you're a girl! -ed., SF CA)
My Bahrain connection flaked, readers. Don't tell anyone but I'm going to chance it in Beirut - at least that's my feeling for now. One car bomb a week for the past 5 weeks is still not so bad if you do the math. I could get hit by a car in Tehran at probably greater odds. Plus, isn't it easier to get laid in those situations? You know, treat every day like it's your last day and all that? Yeah, that's my problem with women. Stability.
Went by the former American Embassy - notice the extremely damaged diplomatic seal. Yeah folks, it all happened here: Ted Koppel got famous and Reagan won in '80. The CIA documents inside that had been shredded before the takeover were meticulously put together by hand by revolutionaries in 1980, and then published in several volumes. As a result, the US had to change many of its codenames for famous celebrities such as Bob Hope, Liberace, and Tom Selleck.
posted by kevekev.com Pt. 5 - Tehran, Iran
My stomach is killing me this morning - shouldn't of ate that road sandwich yesterday. The floor toilet does little for these cases - better just sticking your ass out a window.
Before I head to hopefully cooler climates in northern Iran, let me take a few moments to puncture some bubbles of misinformation. Take a gander at the chart below:
Too often people compare poor countries with rich countries, and, seeing that poor countries do not measure up, deem them to be "in crisis" or "failed," or some other portentous word is thrown around by the NGO set. This is not the correct way to compare countries. Instead, look at a comparison of some indicators of Iran with both its neighbors and with other oil producing states. Take a look at Iran's poverty level in comparison to Turkey, Egypt, and, more importantly, oil-producers like Mexico and Venezuela. Only Malaysia, also an oil and gas exporter (though not in Iran's league), has comparable poverty alleviation. Iran's poverty levels began dropping after the Iran-Iraq war ended, thus the majority of Iranian poor saw their incomes rise after 1990. If you also consider that this occurred pretty steadily over the last 20 years, even as oil prices jumped up and down quite dramatically (10 bucks a gallon in the late 1990s (never forget! -ed.)), then it is even more impressive - this isn't shown in the chart but you can take my word. Iran therefore moved from a monarchy in the 1970s with Egypt-level poverty to a post-revolutionary semi-welfare state that at least lends enough support so that the majority of its citizens aren't dirt poor. There are still lots of lower class people and pockets of rich playboys, but that is not an Iranian problem, that's a global problem.
posted by kevekev.com I am pleased to present the latest in an irregular series of reports from abroad c/o kevekev.com as he once again spends his summer traversing the West Asian lands. What really happens! -ed. Pt. 6 - Mashad, Iran I have one remaining appendage without an injury. My right elbow got bloodied while hiking up a mountain. My left forearm got a bit shaved off when a rogue motorcycle started up under the amateur hand of its owner inside a bazaar here in Mashad. Luckily all those matador video games I played as a kid paid off and I emerged only slightly harangued and bruised. The best one, though, was when my right leg fell through a grate over a roadside gutter in Tehran; one of the bars was missing just enough space for my leg to fall through and get stuck at the knee. The topper was that a guard was standing about 20 feet away doing some schmuck job. I was literally stuck in a hole and he just stared at me. After thirty seconds of making a lot of noise I was free, no thanks to him. I "walked it off" for 15 minutes but then returned and gave this young man the biggest stink-eye ever thrown in Central Asian lands. With the mojo I laid on him, his loins are at least barren for life, and he may be shitting blood at this very minute. I still have a lump under my knee that is not going away, though. Who wins?
Mashad (NW Iran: pop. 3 million) is a holy city housing the shrine of Reza (Rida in Arabic), the 6th Shi'a imam, and is nicknamed "Mecca for the poor" (Shi'as only). I am here smack in the middle of pilgrim season - supposedly 20 million (a high estimate, I wager) make a trip here every year from inside Iran as well as other countries where large Shi'a populations exist. One may ask the question: why Mashad as the major pilgrimage site and not Najaf or Karbala where the 1st (Ali) and 2nd (Huseyn) Imams are buried? No, it's not because of Iraq or Saddam Hussein or islamofascism - it goes back further. My favorite explanation is this one: a ritual developed centuries ago involved the transport of corpses to be buried near the shrines of the Imams. Najaf and Karbala, under control of the Ottomans by the 17th century, were the choice sites. Naturally, such a ritual garnered along with it the economic realities of taxes, burial licenses, import duties, and the like. The Sunni Ottomans were the archenemies of the Safavid dynasty, who were situated in the territory of modern Iran and also were responsible for successfully promoting Shi'a Islam as a state religion in Persian lands. Not wanting to see their coffers sucked dry due to unnecessary corpse-trading, the Safavids began to promote Mashad as THE pilgrimage site to die in. 'Nuff said. Anyway, the Imam Reza Shrine Complex - and it is a complex - is more like a mini-state than a measly shrine. Basically it is the schmanciest mosque I have ever seen, and now the fanciest you have seen as well:
The only problem I had was that much of it was being restored, and I am more into old mosques that are not restored to the shiniest degrees. But the place is impressively run like a Mussolini train schedule. Even though pictures were forbidden, the attendants had a fluffy stick that they would tap you with if they caught you. A fluffy stick! Mashad is slightly cooler than Tehran, with the result that many of the tourists who come here in the summer are rich. I can prove this since I have seen more fat Iranian kids in the last 5 days than my 3 previous weeks in Tehran. It is hard to get fat here - you really have to work at it. Some of these kids definitely get capital As - as in "Ass" - for effort. They go to places like this new mall I wound up at on a sightseeing tour. Note the scary sun seven stories up:
The mall had its own Chinatown, twenty ice cream parlors, and not one bookstore (who says they hate our way of life? --ed.). I also went to a zoo. If you travel and have been to zoos in poorer countries, you know how depressing they are. Let's just say I was not amused at the Great Dane dog cage, or the ample number of cigarette butts seen in the chimp cage (note to Elvis: dogs are in cages because they're dirty like dogs). For those keeping score on my gastro-intestinal fantasy league, the last four days have been a continuous period of mild to intense stomach pains. Since these meal-time maelstroms have not subsided, I presume the culprit to be some sort of parasite in my guts. I have named him Wormer Herzog. He is currently in production on his new film, "Shitzcarraldo."
Let me close this missive with a rumination on the topic of the Mashad cherry - the most famous cherry in perhaps the entire world (unbeknownst to pesticide-addled American palates). This plump and robustly dark fruit, currently in season here (I know what you're asking: what's a season?) looks nothing like your mortal cherries of the West. It contains a novel ingredient: taste. Just look at it and sample the flavor:
posted by kevekev.com Pt. 7 - Tabriz, Iran Welcome, dear readers, back to Iran, where every corner is a Konspiracy Korner. So far I have heard some juicy ones, such as: Dick Cheney runs the world, the UK controls the US since they're smarter, and of course there's always room for the Jews to make trouble since they really run everything. Many reporters are quick to point to Iran and the Middle East's conspiracy mongering, and attribute this to cultural traits or historical bygones. I completely disagree. People here are certainly conspiratorial, but no more than the average joe in the US (here they just know more history). Just ask the guy next to you at the bar who he thinks is running the world.
Tabriz was an "identity" city for me - my father's family originated there. Located in the historical region of East Azerbaijan, Tabriz is full of Turks, speaking Turkish. Or more accurately, Azeri Turkish, which has a good mix of Persian words in it, but not enough to make sense to me (I hear the equivalent of the Muppets' Swedish Chef). When Mustafa Kemal Ataturk founded modern Turkey, to the west, he removed many of the Persian words as well as converted the Turkish alphabet to Latin letters from Arabic ones. As a result, Turks in Iran, who still speak Azeri Turkish (as well as those in Azerbaijan to the north) say that Istanbul Turkish has lost its ability to speak poetically. I'm not sure about that; Turks in Istanbul are not just grunting and mewing, so we might chalk that one up to Iranian nationalism.
Most Tabrizis spoke a fair degree of Farsi and I got around easily enough. The food there is the best in Iran, and I shoved it into my ailing stomach for four straight days. That's right, my guts were still churning after Mashad, and finally it stopped yesterday after I bought the generic anti-acid Aluminum MG. Ahh yass, when I think of soothing my stomach, I picture pouring cold aluminum down my gullet. Anyway, that little box on your Travel Yatzee scorecard for "ingestion of aluminum" can now be checked. Tabriz was the center of the 1906 Iranian constitutional revolution. Since it failed, I like to call it 'the revolution that got away.' Still, it was the first modern revolution in the Middle East and played an important educational role in shaping later Iranian history, specifically: don't let the Shah invite the Russian Cossack Brigade into your country and expect to win. I just love Russian Cossack Brigade jokes.
I also met some Aussie tourists who run their own natural cosmetic and body product company in Australia. They disliked Fosters and were not raving mad in that anti-Semitic way like Mel Gibson. Go figure. The couple embodied the kind of almost too nice, "I'm OK, you're OK" traveler that is necessary if you plan on spending more than a month going around Iran without knowing Farsi. I had an interesting run-in with a mullah who, impressed with my Farsi, assumed that I was not Australian. I told him I lived in America to which he asked, "Are you a Christian?!" I said hell no and that my father was from Tabriz (that implies that both he and I are muslims). Then he patted my bearded face and smiled his toothy grin and was happy. I let him be so. Not that I'm saying he would have speared me if I said I was Christian - I do not want to give that impression. Seeing as I met him in a museum and again at a poet's shrine, I'm guessing he's not one of the uber-mullahs. And he treated the Aussies with much respect. It's just that I get weird around clergy, no matter what religion. Unless it's at a bar and then they're on my turf.
One more important bit before I go - an anti-paean to the vocoder: Dear vocoder, There are no more microtones; just harsh robotic moves through the scales of cheesy pop atop incredibly dated techno beats. Vocoders do not make a person's voice more "romantic," "groovy," or "talented." To the contrary, the voice sounds shitty and I know that you know but you are not letting on because you hate all things beautiful. I was going to insert a Troutman joke here but the matter is simply too serious. Seriously,
My next entry (and last from Iran): why reporters can't find a good story to write on Iran even if it is vocoded for them. posted by kevekev.com Pt. 8 - Tehran, Iran
Back to smelly Tehran. Things got heady while I was away. Remember all that jazz about gasoline rationing I mentioned earlier? Well, the government put it into effect. The ration: 300 liters a month (less than a gallon a day), but you can buy up to six months of gasoline at once if you need to travel - but that 1,800 liter maximum is non-negotiable. As soon as this was announced, in a horribly mismanaged and unprepared way, Iranians everywhere rushed to the gas stations to stock up, assuming the worst. For some, it was an affront to their "way of life" and about 10-20 gas stations were torched. By the time I got back to Tehran every gas station had an armed soldier on duty and even longer lines than I had seen during my previous stay. Some youths told me that this might lead to another "18th of Tir," the massive student protests in 1999 that rocked Tehran. Perhaps a better analogy would be the 1989 Caracazo in Venezuela which was sparked by increased bus fares. Others in Tehran remarked how traffic was getting better in the last week due to the rationing. As for myself, I spent my last days in Iran choking on fumes; it seems that either the pollution has gotten worse or my lungs exfoliated during my vacation to the north.
Since I got out shit has gotten worse: former student activists planning a protest were arrested on the 18th Tir anniversary, a labor leader disappeared, and the government feels it has the upper hand after the gas mini-riots did not lead to much disruption. On the other side of the pond, half of the US gov't wants to attack Iran before the year is out, while the other half seems content to just not talk to them. Perceptions of Iran are perhaps more important than reality for the near future. Which leads me to the last problem on this list: the sorry state of Western journalism on Iran these days. Journalists spend two weeks in Iran, usually with Western-oriented liberals and in the wealthier regions, and then go back and write the exact same story every goddamn time. Iran is modern - amazing! Iran has a vibrant society - how about that! Dissidents and social activism occurs - go figure! Journalists spend paragraphs marveling at the availability of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Yet it is all set in a dark monotonous cast of an unchanging Iran. Frankly, I have a recommendation to editors who want to sent their ace reporters to Iran: just pick up a year old story and change the dateline. I assure you, nobody will notice. As a Brazilian journalist said to me in Tehran: editors think they know which stories are best, journalists think they know how to track down the story, and readers think they are getting the best news around. All the while everyone really knows that the whole thing is a superficial charade. I wouldn't even go that far - damn! posted by kevekev.com Islam in Yo Face! pt. 9 - Beirut to Cairo and Back
Beirut has at least two kinds of ruins: those from the 1975-1990 civil war, and those from last summer's war with Israel. The former can be found in almost all neighborhoods, with famous hotels still standing with chunks missing or bullet holes glaringly unpatched. The latter are confined mostly to South Beirut, in the heavily Shi'a neighborhoods where I recognized the presence of my Iranian 'roots.'
On the bright side, the cuisine here is amazing and a refreshing vegetarian retreat from my meat-ridden nightmares of a few weeks ago. Best fruit juices I've ever had - and note the variety of menu options:
I barely had enough time to get frisked in Beirut before I headed to Cairo for a wedding and some self-organized touring. No time to get into the details here, readers, but I managed to take this picture for my Pink Floyd fan fiction novel, Return of the Tin Ego:
You can't really get under a town's skin - especially one as big as Cairo - with two days of air conditioned 'point As to point Bs'. I prefer a good map, a list of places (but no snarky commentary a la Lonely Planet), and a pair of rested hoofs. Plus, I didn't know the prices of anything so I constantly thought I was getting screwed. It's like having a suburban dad in the back of your head all the time clenching his asshole.
Back in Beirut I spent most of my time watching a sixteen year old play God of War and Guitar Hero. Oh yeah, and I had a shot of absinthe. I rank the physical effects somewhere between bag huffing and staring at the sun. Tomorrow [note this missive rec'd 7/21/07 --ed.] I head to Turkey, where a delightful election on Sunday may result in a coup, an invasion of Kurdish Iraq, or the most stable democracy in the Middle East. What's the emoticon for 'holding one's breath?' posted by kevekev.com Pt. 10 - Baltimore, MD For those interested, the Turkish elections went boringly smooth. I managed to get some paranoid - though highly intelligent - rants on the elections out of some hippies who ran the hostel I was guesting at. They said that the party in power, the AKP is a dangerous group who are slyly in favor of "creeping Islam," which has been infiltrating Turkish society since the 1950s (after the Islam colonic that Mustafa Kemal Ataturk administered in the 1920s). Frankly, I don't buy it. I had a long time to think about my trip on the way back to the states (30 fucking hours from hippie door to my door), and I will leave you with my two big discoveries of summer 07 journeys: 1. If the place is not literally on fire, you can go there. When I told people in the US I was returning to Iran, everyone said "don't go, it's too dangerous." I went anyway. When I told people in Iran I was going to Lebanon, everyone said, "don't go, it's too dangerous." I almost listened to them, but still went. I can honestly say I was never in danger during my entire two months of travel. Moral of the story: if you want to go somewhere, do it. Don't listen to the news, the State Department, your parents, your barber, or even your bartender. 2. Islam is an interesting religion, but "Islam" cannot explain the Middle East. As a sociologist, I like to constantly point out how places and people have more things in common than differences, and that variation within a place is always greater than variation between places. That being said, variation exists - lots of it - and so if one is interested in understanding different ways of life, economies, and politics, one needs to explain social variation. However, going back over my musings this summer, I fully believe that "Islam" cannot perform this task. How to explain, for example, all the faction-based strife in Lebanon, or the success of the center-right AKP in Turkey, or the subsidizing of staple goods in Iran, or the shitty air in Egypt? If you answered "Islam" to any of those questions, you'd be an idiot. Rather, Islam - or, more accurately, the Islam of that place and that time - colors and contours the happenings of the Middle East. It's an old saw that everything in politics is local, but there's enough truth in that to tell Sean Hannity (or some cantankerous mullah) that Islam is not the answer to any serious question about this area. This is no different from any religion, of course. If I asked you why the US is in Iraq right now, would "Christianity" be a valid answer? Of course not, we can see right through that. But when it comes to Islam, most people in the States have a big black box in their brain and thus are vulnerable to the bullshit out there in the media. Islam is as stupid, interesting, and mysterious as any other world religion. Why should someone like me, who spent a good portion of my youth laughing at born-again Christians (and their rock bands in high school), be overwhelmingly deferent towards Islam? I read up on it, know the basics and can converse with the devout, but let's not get all weepy here. It's used and abused just like any other big set of beliefs. So, next time you catch yourself giving "Islam" as an answer to a question, check yourself. I want to personally thank to all the readers who sent me emails during my trip, which is incredibly easy since nobody sent any. Also thanks to Elvis who both convinced me to write, giving me an excuse to opine and work on my poo jokes, as well as edited my missives. I like a band who puts their friend's self-interested overseas jaunt over their own album release (still new! still un-sold out! --ed.). Joltin' Joe Biden (D-Delaware) tells a story like this: back in 2001, George W. Bush calls him up and asks Biden to "brief me on Europe." Biden asks why and Bush says he's going to Europe for the first time. Biden asks, "first time as President?" Bush replies, "no, first time ever." When you travel around the world (remember: Mexico, Puerto Rico, and Iraq do not count) you drop any and all bullshit about American exceptionalism real fast. It should be required before you get your driver's license or office in congress. Kudos to those with the ballz to do it. Now, I'm off to a shooting range in Maryland to take out some Osama-shaped targets. posted by kevekev.com
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